Month: September 2013

When I Was Younger

~ Jessi ~ Leave a comment

When I was younger
I told myself I would be ok
That I would be different
And that I would never want to walk away

When I was younger
I smiled with such freedom
I laughed with such ease
Now I find myself doing those things just to please

When I was younger
I held everyone so close
Knowing they wouldn’t turns their backs on me
But to soon, I was handed a dose of reality

Now, I wish I could go back
I wish I could warn myself of all the pain to come
The struggles that would soon start to drag me down
The doubts of where every word came from

I can’t go back though
I have to settle with dreaming of if it would have changed anything
And it kills me not to know

I’m struggling to find the strength to regain the freedom of my childhood
In my heart, I know that child is dead and gone
But a voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that child is just buried and misunderstood

Now that I’m older
I see myself in a different way
I see the sadness behind my glass eyes
I see the crack in my smile as I look away
I see this thing that surrounds me and my rage forces me to cry

I’m struggling to find the strength to regain the freedom of my childhood
In my heart, I know that child is dead and gone
But a voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that child is just buried and misunderstood

Is It Selfish?

~ Jessi ~ Leave a comment

Is it selfish to want to know how it feels to have someone want you and only you?Someone who wants be with you or talk to you whenever they can. Someone who, in their eyes, you’re perfect. Someone who’s always yearning to touch you, to kiss all of your scars. Someone who loves saying your name or hearing your laugh. Someone who knows you better than anyone else, all your highs and lows, all your stupid little habits.
If it is selfish, then I guess I’m selfish.

When I Can’t Sleep

~ Jessi ~ Leave a comment
I despise mirrors
What I see I hate 
I hit it, sending cracks running
I think to my self, “this is a more accurate reflection.”
Just like it, I am broken, I am shattered
What do you do with something that can’t be fixed?
Take it to the curb or keep it
Hoping for a miracle that will never come
You can’t escape the monster you have become
The one that warps your view on everything and everyone in this world 
The one that pushes the only people who care about you away
They tell you you’re getting better and in return you flash a reflexive smile
But, in truth, you’re just growing numb to the overwhelming pain
Just floating through life, stuck in your own rage-filled mind 
They say that they can help you, all you have to do is accept and forgive
What if I can never accept?
What if I don’t want to forgive?
All the people who have hurt me
All the people who put a crack my reflection
I hate
I hate them just like I hate what I got burdened with
You whine about not getting a better grade in school
You bitch about your parents not buying you what you want
Fuck you
You think you know what life is 
You think you’re mature and deserve respect because you smoke or you drink or you’ve slept around
Wake-up. You’ve been through nothing.
I’m done pretending
This is my life
I’ve been in pain for so long, I can’t even remember what true happiness feels like
I’ve kept my mouth shut so many years 
I’m choking on the words I never said
My body is covered with scars, inside and out
Some from myself, some from others
Each a bright reminder of how broken I am
So, next time you go to complain about something meaningless 
Think about it
Then, don’t do it.