How do you tell someone you’re in love with them?
I don’t know the answer to this question. I’m reading a book right now where society believes love is a disease that drives you to madness. Never thought I’d actually understand that perspective. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about my personal love experience, so I’m just going to talk. I think a lot of people, especially young people, who are different or have “disabilities”(I hate that word), believe that they aren’t capable of being loved. I hate this. I know how it feels because I believed it my whole life, even more so from the age of 11 to 16. I still do feel this, and I have to force myself to push that idea out of my mind. It’s nothing but inner-demons talking. And they are NOT real. They are nothing but your insecurities; insecurities that our judgmental society has driven into you. God though, their roots are deep. I personally struggle immensely with feeling like I’m not enough, not even for myself. I’m trying to work through this, but it’s very hard. I think when you gain/regain your confidence, those voices in your head that tell you you’re not good enough, not pretty/handsome enough, not “normal” enough, all those voices will fade away. That’s what I’m working for. That’s what I want.
Month: September 2014
Satisfaction
For the past week, my anxiety has been high. I already have pretty heavy anxiety, so when I say high, I mean it feels like someone is sitting on my chest. Anxiety can make you feel like you’re crazy. You’re not crazy though. I’m not crazy either. Even though I might feel like it sometimes(a lot lately). This week in particular has been rough. I keep on finding myself worrying largely about this one topic:….Satisfaction. One thing about depression is that it causes you to think irrational thoughts, which really sucks. I’m just seventeen, I have a lot of goals, a lot of things I want to do and I’m going to do, I know my future is writing. So why am I worrying myself sick about being satisfied? Or never being satisfied? It’s illogical, yet I’m still doing it. That’s depression. That’s anxiety. It feels like your thoughts aren’t yours anymore. BUT they are. I’ve spent years being told “you have control, it’s up to you.” A lot of you have probably heard that before and god, it’s annoying because they don’t understand. Right? I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I’m starting to understand that phrase. Your mind is yours. When I catch myself worrying about satisfaction, I redirect. I focus on something else. Does it fix it? No. The thoughts come back, but it helps. Tomorrow I’m going to make a list of my goals, of things I have to look forward to. I’m just going to make it for the next year because it’s not good to look to far out. If you’re struggling with this, you should do it with me. Live your life in the moment, but be excited for your future.
Pain
Have any of you out there felt emotional pain so high it takes your breath away? Like something inside of you is squeezing your lungs so tight, every inhale burns. Everything around you feels as though it’s crumbling, but instead of things hitting the floor, it’s you. You find yourself crumpled on the ground, your focus blurring so you just close your eyes, hoping that when you open them again, everything will be like it used to be. You know that hope is stupid. After all, nothing can really be the same. Things have changed. You have changed. So, that hope is pretty pointless, but you still hope for it for some reason. I guess that’s what really severe pain can bring out. The compulsive urge for things to be better, and since we can’t tell the future, we think about the past. Whatever happiness we remember feeling, in the present moment of sadness, we just want that happy feeling back.
I’m feeling that high emotional pain tonight. My lungs are actually aching and I don’t have enough energy to cry. I hate when it gets this bad. It makes me feel so alone, like words are my best friends. I guess that’s why I’m writing. I don’t want anyone who’s felt like this or is feeling like this to think they’re alone.
stillhangingon 