I feel sad tonight. It’s 2am on New Year’s Day. I shouldn’t feel sad, but I do. I should be looking forward, instead I’m looking back. Sometimes the feeling of wishing things were different, is so strong. I try to hold on to hope.
Author: Jessi
Mirror Mirror On The Wall
There once was a girl,…actually two, but especially one. They hated each other so much. The one couldn’t stand looking at the other. Every time they saw each other, they both got this despising frown on their face. Like it actually caused them pain to see each other. So far, this story isn’t very unique. There are a lot of girls who hate each other, but there’s a twist. It turns out there was never actually two girls, just one…
Updating
I’ve written a few things over the last couple months that I haven’t posted. I’m going to post them now. I sort of suck at this blog thing, but I’m trying. I’m on vacation this week so maybe I’ll post a lot.
Speech
I’m hyper focused on my speech lately and it’s killing me. I laid in bed all night having terrible anxiety about going to see a movie with a girl I’ve never met today. It’s as if my chest is caving in on itself, and I’m at a point where I don’t know where to turn. I want to crawl out of my skin so badly and run. I also desperately want to not care what I sound like. You’d think being able to talk fine would be enough for your mind….but no. It wants me to talk perfect.
Self Love
How do you tell someone you’re in love with them?
I don’t know the answer to this question. I’m reading a book right now where society believes love is a disease that drives you to madness. Never thought I’d actually understand that perspective. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about my personal love experience, so I’m just going to talk. I think a lot of people, especially young people, who are different or have “disabilities”(I hate that word), believe that they aren’t capable of being loved. I hate this. I know how it feels because I believed it my whole life, even more so from the age of 11 to 16. I still do feel this, and I have to force myself to push that idea out of my mind. It’s nothing but inner-demons talking. And they are NOT real. They are nothing but your insecurities; insecurities that our judgmental society has driven into you. God though, their roots are deep. I personally struggle immensely with feeling like I’m not enough, not even for myself. I’m trying to work through this, but it’s very hard. I think when you gain/regain your confidence, those voices in your head that tell you you’re not good enough, not pretty/handsome enough, not “normal” enough, all those voices will fade away. That’s what I’m working for. That’s what I want.
Satisfaction
For the past week, my anxiety has been high. I already have pretty heavy anxiety, so when I say high, I mean it feels like someone is sitting on my chest. Anxiety can make you feel like you’re crazy. You’re not crazy though. I’m not crazy either. Even though I might feel like it sometimes(a lot lately). This week in particular has been rough. I keep on finding myself worrying largely about this one topic:….Satisfaction. One thing about depression is that it causes you to think irrational thoughts, which really sucks. I’m just seventeen, I have a lot of goals, a lot of things I want to do and I’m going to do, I know my future is writing. So why am I worrying myself sick about being satisfied? Or never being satisfied? It’s illogical, yet I’m still doing it. That’s depression. That’s anxiety. It feels like your thoughts aren’t yours anymore. BUT they are. I’ve spent years being told “you have control, it’s up to you.” A lot of you have probably heard that before and god, it’s annoying because they don’t understand. Right? I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I’m starting to understand that phrase. Your mind is yours. When I catch myself worrying about satisfaction, I redirect. I focus on something else. Does it fix it? No. The thoughts come back, but it helps. Tomorrow I’m going to make a list of my goals, of things I have to look forward to. I’m just going to make it for the next year because it’s not good to look to far out. If you’re struggling with this, you should do it with me. Live your life in the moment, but be excited for your future.
Pain
Have any of you out there felt emotional pain so high it takes your breath away? Like something inside of you is squeezing your lungs so tight, every inhale burns. Everything around you feels as though it’s crumbling, but instead of things hitting the floor, it’s you. You find yourself crumpled on the ground, your focus blurring so you just close your eyes, hoping that when you open them again, everything will be like it used to be. You know that hope is stupid. After all, nothing can really be the same. Things have changed. You have changed. So, that hope is pretty pointless, but you still hope for it for some reason. I guess that’s what really severe pain can bring out. The compulsive urge for things to be better, and since we can’t tell the future, we think about the past. Whatever happiness we remember feeling, in the present moment of sadness, we just want that happy feeling back.
I’m feeling that high emotional pain tonight. My lungs are actually aching and I don’t have enough energy to cry. I hate when it gets this bad. It makes me feel so alone, like words are my best friends. I guess that’s why I’m writing. I don’t want anyone who’s felt like this or is feeling like this to think they’re alone.
I haven’t posted on here in awhile. Life’s crazy but I’m gonna try to start posting again. I’ve met some people this week with similar struggles. I’m not here to save people, I don’t believe in that, but I do believe I can help them see things that the world has blinded them to. Even though I don’t have control over this, I don’t want anyone to feel as alone as I did and still do struggle with. I’m here. I’m different. You’re not alone.
When I Was Younger
When I was younger
I told myself I would be ok
That I would be different
And that I would never want to walk away
When I was younger
I smiled with such freedom
I laughed with such ease
Now I find myself doing those things just to please
When I was younger
I held everyone so close
Knowing they wouldn’t turns their backs on me
But to soon, I was handed a dose of reality
Now, I wish I could go back
I wish I could warn myself of all the pain to come
The struggles that would soon start to drag me down
The doubts of where every word came from
I can’t go back though
I have to settle with dreaming of if it would have changed anything
And it kills me not to know
I’m struggling to find the strength to regain the freedom of my childhood
In my heart, I know that child is dead and gone
But a voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that child is just buried and misunderstood
Now that I’m older
I see myself in a different way
I see the sadness behind my glass eyes
I see the crack in my smile as I look away
I see this thing that surrounds me and my rage forces me to cry
I’m struggling to find the strength to regain the freedom of my childhood
In my heart, I know that child is dead and gone
But a voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that child is just buried and misunderstood
Is It Selfish?
Is it selfish to want to know how it feels to have someone want you and only you?Someone who wants be with you or talk to you whenever they can. Someone who, in their eyes, you’re perfect. Someone who’s always yearning to touch you, to kiss all of your scars. Someone who loves saying your name or hearing your laugh. Someone who knows you better than anyone else, all your highs and lows, all your stupid little habits.
If it is selfish, then I guess I’m selfish.
stillhangingon 