All these actions are leading up to this one accomplishment, this one moment. You’ve worked so hard to get here. You’ve been through so much; won a lot of battles, lost a lot of battles. The moment is finally here, and you look around, and wonder, “is this it?”
I graduated high school the Saturday before last. I stopped physically going halfway through my sophomore year because of depression and how toxic my school was. I’ve been using their online program. I’ve been looking forward to finishing since I started. Then…there I was…finished, and I started to think about what I have to show for the past four years. I have bottles of depression medication and a paper hanging on my fridge telling me my high GPA and class rank. No friends, no homecoming or prom pictures, no after school clubs. Some people weren’t made for high school, I was one of them. Feeling empty when everyone is congratulating you and are happy for you, is a very lonely feeling,
I have hope that college will be better than high school.
depression
Satisfaction
For the past week, my anxiety has been high. I already have pretty heavy anxiety, so when I say high, I mean it feels like someone is sitting on my chest. Anxiety can make you feel like you’re crazy. You’re not crazy though. I’m not crazy either. Even though I might feel like it sometimes(a lot lately). This week in particular has been rough. I keep on finding myself worrying largely about this one topic:….Satisfaction. One thing about depression is that it causes you to think irrational thoughts, which really sucks. I’m just seventeen, I have a lot of goals, a lot of things I want to do and I’m going to do, I know my future is writing. So why am I worrying myself sick about being satisfied? Or never being satisfied? It’s illogical, yet I’m still doing it. That’s depression. That’s anxiety. It feels like your thoughts aren’t yours anymore. BUT they are. I’ve spent years being told “you have control, it’s up to you.” A lot of you have probably heard that before and god, it’s annoying because they don’t understand. Right? I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I’m starting to understand that phrase. Your mind is yours. When I catch myself worrying about satisfaction, I redirect. I focus on something else. Does it fix it? No. The thoughts come back, but it helps. Tomorrow I’m going to make a list of my goals, of things I have to look forward to. I’m just going to make it for the next year because it’s not good to look to far out. If you’re struggling with this, you should do it with me. Live your life in the moment, but be excited for your future.
stillhangingon 