When you are hungry and you open your fridge and everything you want, you can’t get without help because your hands aren’t steady enough. You just sit there, staring at the food that you can’t get, thinking how much you don’t want ask for help. You know that you should feel grateful that at least you can do what you can,…..but you don’t. You just feel angry.
I call this my Itty Bitty Shitty Committee.
I’m hyper focused on my speech lately and it’s killing me. I laid in bed all night having terrible anxiety about going to see a movie with a girl I’ve never met today. It’s as if my chest is caving in on itself, and I’m at a point where I don’t know where to turn. I want to crawl out of my skin so badly and run. I also desperately want to not care what I sound like. You’d think being able to talk fine would be enough for your mind….but no. It wants me to talk perfect.
How do you tell someone you’re in love with them?
I don’t know the answer to this question. I’m reading a book right now where society believes love is a disease that drives you to madness. Never thought I’d actually understand that perspective. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about my personal love experience, so I’m just going to talk. I think a lot of people, especially young people, who are different or have “disabilities”(I hate that word), believe that they aren’t capable of being loved. I hate this. I know how it feels because I believed it my whole life, even more so from the age of 11 to 16. I still do feel this, and I have to force myself to push that idea out of my mind. It’s nothing but inner-demons talking. And they are NOT real. They are nothing but your insecurities; insecurities that our judgmental society has driven into you. God though, their roots are deep. I personally struggle immensely with feeling like I’m not enough, not even for myself. I’m trying to work through this, but it’s very hard. I think when you gain/regain your confidence, those voices in your head that tell you you’re not good enough, not pretty/handsome enough, not “normal” enough, all those voices will fade away. That’s what I’m working for. That’s what I want.
stillhangingon 