It’s weird how sometimes looking at myself is painful. Not really because I find myself hideous, but more like it doesn’t feel like I’m looking at me. I don’t know how to say this without sounding insane. Maybe part of me is insane. I mean, I have every reason to be. It’s not all of me, it’s just a portion. It’s like somedays mirrors aren’t mirrors. They’re windows; windows where I see someone familiar on the other side. Someone in my memories. God, this doesn’t make much sense. Writing this makes me think of people in history. Albert Einstein who saw equations that didn’t even exist yet. Benjamin Franklin who thought he could light a room with some wire and glass. Van Gogh who painted what his mind saw and who cut off his ear to try to stop the voices in his head.
Then I think “maybe being partially insane isn’t a bad thing. Maybe that’s what it takes to change history, to change how society thinks,…..and I feel better.
insecurities
Self Love
How do you tell someone you’re in love with them?
I don’t know the answer to this question. I’m reading a book right now where society believes love is a disease that drives you to madness. Never thought I’d actually understand that perspective. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about my personal love experience, so I’m just going to talk. I think a lot of people, especially young people, who are different or have “disabilities”(I hate that word), believe that they aren’t capable of being loved. I hate this. I know how it feels because I believed it my whole life, even more so from the age of 11 to 16. I still do feel this, and I have to force myself to push that idea out of my mind. It’s nothing but inner-demons talking. And they are NOT real. They are nothing but your insecurities; insecurities that our judgmental society has driven into you. God though, their roots are deep. I personally struggle immensely with feeling like I’m not enough, not even for myself. I’m trying to work through this, but it’s very hard. I think when you gain/regain your confidence, those voices in your head that tell you you’re not good enough, not pretty/handsome enough, not “normal” enough, all those voices will fade away. That’s what I’m working for. That’s what I want.
stillhangingon 