“Don’t let others control your mood or happiness.” That’s what my therapist tells me. Well,…..that’s easier said then done. I’ve been hurt a lot in general. I’ve been hurt a lot by people who supposedly cared about me. So when a guy who I met and hung out with this summer, and who told me he loved me,……dropped me like I was nothing, I was done. He didn’t break my heart. I wasn’t very invested in him. It did sting a lot. Pored salt in every wound of insecurity. Maybe I’ll talk about that experience in another post. Anyway, after that, I didn’t want to get to know anyone new, especially not a guy. Life had other plans though. This guy engaged me on Instagram in November. Part of me didn’t want to respond, but I did. We started texting everyday. It was nice to have someone easy to talk to. He ended up living five hours from our second home. I met him on New Year’s Day and spent time with him. When you have physical struggles, it can be terrifying to put yourself out there. “What if he thinks I’m broken? What if he hates actually seeing me in my wheelchair? What if he hates the difference in my speech?” These were all in my head, but I didn’t want to let fear hold me back. So I took that leap. It was so easy being around him. Normally, it takes me awhile to get vocally comfortable with someone. It took no time with him. He helped me when I needed it. Just simple. He told me he’d come back when I’m there in February.
I haven’t talked to him in a week and a half. My mind goes to the dark side. I don’t know what’s wrong. Not knowing is the worst part. Insecurities are leaking out everywhere. I feel like a leaky faucet.